


The F U B A R

by LadyLustful



Series: A Marvelous Anthology of Crack Porn [18]
Category: DCU (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Crack Relationship, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Fuckbuddies To Lovers, In-Jokes, Marvel Cameos, Nerd Victor, Romance, Sabretooth does the Marvel universe, Slow Burn, Tylertooth, Violence, black ops - freeform, but they are not as dumb as everyone would like them to be, fusionverse, loads and loads of characters in supporting roles, obscure references, seriously Vic has over a century of experience and Harley's an MD, smart Harley, smart Victor, they may not be Nobel Prize winner material or really sane
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9832913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLustful/pseuds/LadyLustful
Summary: Victor Creed, trying to avoid prison, ends up on a government team of former villains, which includes one Harley Quinn.Or, the one where Sabretooth tries flirting with a teammate and gets a batshit-crazy friend with benefits instead.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [invisible_cities](https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_cities/gifts).



> Think Tyler Mane for Victor and Margot Robbie for Harley.  
> I like Schreiber's acting, but he doesn't look like Victor.  
> Let's play a game: how many references can you catch?

**Assassins**

"A ragtag bunch of scoundrels, assassins, thieves, and slaves..."*, he sings under his breath as he walks onto the plane with the new government black ops team, convicted "villains" the lot of them. Not long ago he was stuck in a cell too small for him, facing either torture and experimentation or endless boredom. Now, with tarmac under his feet and the sky above his head, the scent of engine grease and fuel and gunpowder in his nose, he can at last breathe freely.

**Beautiful**

He steps behind her, takes a long whiff of her hair. Hair dye and artificial strawberry shampoo, and something not unlike Rogers, in the forties, or the Winter Soldier, in the eighties.  
"Been a long time since I smelt beautiful", he rumbles.  
The skirt turns around, eyes and pretty red mouth wide.  
"Beautiful? Lil ole me? Sweetheart, that's the sweetest thing anyone said to me in like ages. I'm Doctor Harley Quinn by the way."  
"Like "Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman"? I'm Victor Creed."

**Cujo**

"You're cuter than the mugshots", she decides. "Like, a lot. And I thought mine were unflattering. Of course, the orange jumpsuits don't exactly help. I like orange, but it clashes terribly with just about everything."  
"I like tan", he confesses. "And I guess you like red and blue?"  
"Yes! And you're smarter, too. Not that I though you were stupid, you know, just..."  
"Lemme guess... tha mugshots? They always make me look like Cujo."

**Doll**

He winds up slipping up and calling her "doll" about thirty minutes into the conversation, and pauses, glancing down at where she's sitting next to him, leaning her petite, slight frame comfortably against his huge one. Modern women aren't always comfortable with the endearment.  
"It's okay", she giggles. "I can be your doll, Kittykins."

**Eclectic**

Victor likes metal, everything from Miracle of Sound to Amon Amarth, as well as a lot of older songs that he picked up during his long life. Harley adores pop, dance, cheesy sugary techno, and the kind of slow, sappy love songs that you can hug your Valentine's Day date to if you can't dance. They both share a soft spot for murder ballads and the eponymous album by Nick Cave.

**Fight**

The mission was meant to be a simple infiltrate-retrieve object-exfiltrate one. Of course, it devolved into a giant clusterfuck a minute after landing when they ran into the enemy. "The enemy" being, in this case, a bunch of fugly, purplish-gray, vaguely humanoid aliens with high-powered laser weapons. Still, Victor doesn't mind. He rips and tears at the Fugly Fuckers like it's the best fun he's had in years. Twenty feet to the left and back, he can hear a high-pitched laughter and a girly voice and the stready, heavy thumps of a baseball bat, see Harley's petite form twisting and dancing between her opponents. She looks like she's having fun too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in the first paragraph is "Beneath the Black Flag" by Miracle of Sound. I recommend them, they are really great, and have a very varied repertoire but mostly can be classified as epic hard rock.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, going on with this clusterfuck.  
> Motto:  
> "In canon they have never met - I don't care, I ship it."  
> How about a ship name:  
> Creed Quinn?  
> Hammertooth?  
> Victorley?

** Guts **

They hit a bar afterwards, a celebration of their victory and a reward for good performance. Harley's drinking a tall glass of something lurid-coloured and smelling overwhelmingly like vodka and sugar and artificial fruit flavouring, Victor's pouring cheap whiskey down his toothy maw like it's going out of fashion. And it's not like he can exactly get drunk with the healing factor, except for the psychological effect, but he still blames the whiskey when he walks up to her and says, in the sexiest purr of a voice he can muster (which, he has been told, is still not very sexy).  
"Hey, is yer name Harley? Cause I really wanna ride ya."  
And any other woman would probably either slap or shoot him, but not her. She laughs out loud with surprise, high-pitched and clear, throwing her head back to expose her deliciously pale throat. He has a thing for throats, okay, it's an animal thing.  
"Oh, sugah", she gasps, tears at the corners of her pretty eyes. "That line was so bad it was good again. Musta took guts to say that."

** Hair **

She asks to do his hair afterwards, when they are lying side by side, sweaty and tired and blissed-out.  
"Sure. Wanna talk 'bout boys while ya do it?"  
"The boys talk is optional. But really", she continues, running her petite hands through his tangled shoulder-length mane. Her touch is gentle, quite unlike his own rough, rushed brushing, and her all but melts into the matress. "you have gorgeous hair. Thick, soft, a bit wavy, and ya know they call this colour strawberry blonde in the ladies' mags? Most supermodels would sell their soul for hair like that, if they had one. But really, what do you do to it?"  
"Nothing special. Wash it, brush it, keep outta the way with a scrunchy..."  
"Some special conditioner?"  
"Tha blood o' my enemies."  
"You're joking, right?"  
"Only mostly."

** Insane **

"So, now ya know how I became a hitman. Why are ya a shrink?"  
"Well, guess I always was a weird kind of girl, growing up. Smart but a bit crazy. Nerdy, but with a vicious streak. Pretty, but not popular. And there were these other outcasts, these freaks. I wanted to reach out, to understand, to help them somehow. That's why I decided to study psychiatry."  
"And?..."  
"And at first it was awesome, ya know. The theories. Meeting people. But then I came to Arkham and realised one thing - the system's all wrong. It's a... a giant unbelievable clusterfuck, designed to help nobody but those that designed it. It's insane, and ya can't change the system. And then I met Mr J, and I realised that normal was just another kind of madness."

** Joker **

"He never calls!", sobs Harley. "He never writes! He never comes by to say hello! He doesn't love me anymore! All he cares about is that stupid Bat!"  
"Hell, if it were my call I'd say fuck that stupid asshole and stay with me. But it ain't. Look doll, he ain't a good man or a nice man an' he sure as shit ain't good fer ya, but if ya want him, if ya want him to give a fuck bout ya, show some spine. Don't let him mess ya round. Hit him back. Make him yer bitch as much as yer his - sorry fer tha wording. He may not like ya fightin' him but it's gonna drive him crazy, or, well, crazier than he is."  
"Ya think that'll work for him?"  
Harley looks hopeful.  
"Well, I'm 'most as fucked in tha head as he is an' it sure as hell worked fer me. Ya ever hear 'bout tha Wolverine?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise it might seem OOC for Victor to be so OK with the girl he's banging doing somebody else, but in canon he's on and off with Mystique and she's probably doing the whole universe including her children. Well maybe not, but she's enough of a whore to make Shub-Niggurath look positively virginal.  
> Also, she is probably one of my least favourite characters. Right after Mr Sinister and Red Skull. On a par with Graydon Creed, Zebediah Creed, Norman Osborn, Apocalypse, Hydra Cap and what the movies did with Blade and Magneto.  
> (Shuts up before I devolve into a giant clusterfuck of a rant about my many pet peeves)


	3. Beleaguered Colleagues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blanket warning for: puns, in-jokes, cameos etcetera ad infinitum.

**Knowledge**

Victor is smarter than he seems.   
He looks stupid, like some cross between a big, dumb musclehead and an actual animal, as strong as an ox and probably a lot slower than one. He speaks like an inbred backwood hick, loud and crude and ignorant, he has no tact and no manners, his face apparently has two expressions - rage or confusion. His clothes are usually a nightmare of bad taste and scruffiness. But underneath that facade there is a lighting-quick mind and lightning quick-reflexes, a wit as sharp as the razor-like claws. Animal cunning and decades of experience and photographic memory. He may never have gone to school, but he knows more than most who did.  
Harley can relate. After all, she plays up the crazy, airheaded "dumb blonde" facade for all it's worth.

**Liking**

He doesn't love her. He knows himself, and he doesn't delude himself thinking he has ever been capable of love - not for his mother, not for his children, not for the many women whom fate had placed in his life and in his bed.  
But he likes her. A hell of a lot more than he liked anyone since he was five. And he respects her - she's smart and a mean fighter, and she's got enough spunk for someone thrice her size, and she doesn't treat him as if he's a freak, an animal or retarded. And he wants her, and he knows she likes and wants him back for some reason, and sometimes, at his most hopeful, he thinks that's enough. Maybe, more than enough.

**Meditation**

Victor generally fears and loathes doctors. But Harley in doctor mode is all earnest and consciencious and compassionate and and straight-up brilliant, and so cute he has a bit of a hard time focusing on what she's saying.  
"Well, there's a number of drugs that can be used to treat cases like yours, with various amounts of success, but frankly I don't think they'll work on you, what with the healing factor making you immune to medication. Hmm... that's it, you can meditate!"  
"Ya think? Ain't got patience fer that hokey New Age shit at my best."  
"I'll have ya know it ain't hokey New Age shit Mistah Creed," her accent gets stronger when she's annoyed, thick and sweet, like honey. "It's perfectly legit evidence based psychiatry. In fact in clinical trials..."  
"Okay, okay...", he gives up. Smart as he is he still doesn't quite follow when she gets all science-y, besides it gives him the creeps.  
"But really, Victor, you should try it. It's not easy, but it can make a lasting difference, it will work with your healing factor, and has no negative side effects."

**Nightlife**

"Tha Takagi building", Victor waves at the glass-and-neon behemoth towering above them. "Thirty stories of offices, conference center and various entertainment that just happens to launder money fer tha Yakuza. Bars, discos, restaurants, tha works. Fancy Japanese place on the twentieth story that's pretty much an upscale villain's bar. Tha whole who's of tha underworld shows up here. Especially Fisk. I think he likes tha food. Course we get legit businessmen like Osborn or Luthor there too."  
Victor is in a brown suit, bespoke of course, being significantly too big for anything off the rack, for once resembling a powerful, successful businessman rather than an the oafish, savage catman he usually seems. Harley is wearing a bold red-and-blue dress that probably cost a fortune, paired with similarly expensive heels and purse.  
As soon as they are inside, Victor detours towards a man with long, dark hair sitting across a petite brown-haired young woman.  
"Thomas, man. Fancy seein' ya here. Mind introducin' me to yer date? An' ain't she a lil' bit too young fer ya?"  
Thomas's handsome dark face remains stonily impassive but Harley's psychiatric intuition tells her the man is at the very least peeved. His companion openly glares at Creed.  
"Victor. This is Catherine, she's strictly a business associate. Catherine, this is Victor."  
"Thrilled", Creed bares his impressive teeth in a horror-flick parody of a politician's fake grin.   
Catherine glares on.   
"That what they call it now? Ah, well, mine ain't."  
Harley is secretly a little impressed with how Creed manages to be so loud and crass it somehow circles right back to charming. "Meet doctor Harley Quinn, shrink and rising star of villainy. Harley, that's Thomas Fireheart, CEO of Fireheart Enterprises, and Catherine No Last Name Apparently."  
"Are you a friend of Victor's?"  
"Beleaguered colleague", says Thomas, face still stony. "We professionally tolerate one another."  
"Like two big cats keeping to their turf?", jokes Harley.  
Two pairs of stunned eyes bore into her, like frigid sharp chips of hazel amber and pitch-black obsidian.  
"What?"  
"Ya got no idea how apt that comparison is, doll."  
"Can you read minds, doctor Quinn?"  
"Nope. Just people. Call it psychiatric intuition. Kind of deserve it after spending a fortune in tuition on my studies."  
Thomas does not react, obviously unamused by the pun. Catherine, on the other hand, breaks down in high-pitched giggles, bowing her head a little to hide them. Creed gives a great snort of laughter.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thomas belongs to Marvel. He is apparently a canon villain called Puma, fram Spiderman.  
> (Norman) Osborn and (Wilson) Fisk belong to Marvel as well.  
> (Lex) Luthor is DC.  
> The Takagi building is from the 2004 Punisher game. The fact it contains a restaurant and a techno club and is owned by the Yakuza is canon, while the rest is pretty much my fanficcer's licence.  
> Catherine may or may not be Kitty Pryde, depending on which makes more sense, in which case she is also Marvel.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and feedback are dearly appreciated. Squeals of delight are put in a golden box and treasured forever. Flames are used to make tea and grill cheese.


End file.
